Sunday, November 16, 2014

I am Bipolar, no way around that. My mom is Bipolar and my sister is Bipolar. We have all been diagnosed with Bipolar one disorder. This mental illness has wracked havoc in my life since I can remember. All three of us have had multiple suicide attempts and many hospitalizations in Psych Wards as well as being institutionalized in state mental health facilities for months at a time. This disease has affected our families beyond my scope of understanding. It involves addictions to alcohol and drugs, addiction to tobacco and caffeine and other addictions and bankruptcies. My own daughter, just in 18 years has enough Bipolar stories to write a book. I am still thinking of writing a book about my journey down this dark and deadly path. I have been in dark depressions for years at a time, not living and begging to die. The pain of Depression is all in my mind but it is very real and their is no escape but medications that may or may not work. I am currently trying TMS therapy (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). For 6 weeks, 5 days a week, I lie in a chair with strong magnetic impulses being shot in my frontal cortex that houses the area of the brain that controls emotions. I have finished three weeks and I have three weeks of treatments to go.I am in Christian therapy using the Theopolistics Method of psych therapy. I work on replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Negative thought lead to negative feelings which lead to negative emotions. You have to cut out the negative thought and replace it with a positive thought. Just thinking positive thoughts will not rid you of Depression.Now I will let you know I believe in Jesus Christ, God the Father and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. So where does God fit into mental illness. I have been asking myself that question my whole life. Why would such a loving God allow so much pain and suffering and destroyed lives. Any good recovery will involve the spiritual aspect as well as the emotional., physical, psychological, medication management, exercise and etc........,After a lot of ANGER with God and everyone else, I realized that God was with me in the Psych Ward, he was with me as I slit my wrists and watched the warm red blood flow from my skin, he was there as I overdosed on psych meds, he was with me in intensive care, he was with me as I lay in the bed all day long begging to die, he was with me in the ambulance..... I realized God was with me in all the dark times as well as my Manic times when I took all those risks, spent all that money, all the sleepless nights as I worked on ten projects at once....He was with me.God does not make mistakes, at least in my case, God made me and he made me for a purpose despite my illness. I facilitate a Depression Bipolar Support Group through the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, I help other people with mental illness. Through my trials and tribulations I have become closer to God because I had to to lean on someone who had the strength to carry me through the day. I am not a bible thumping ,, you are headed to hell, although Hell is real, I am someone who through 53 years of suffering have found my source of strength and hope and it is real. God has taught me to rely on him completely while I see psychiatrists, therapist and take medications. I am not healed of Bipolar Disorder because of my relationship with God. I live a fuller life of recovery and I have someone to pray to everyday and bring all my junk and issues one day at a time. Thank you God for loving me and being there for me at my most desperate times and thank you for bringing me to the other side and bringing me out of the pit and thank you for your son Jesus Christ who died on the cross for my sins and rose from the grave three days later and has redeemed a broken, mentally ill person like myself.